How to Get Your Dream Job

I've recently done some volunteering at a local jobless shelter/college to help students find their dream jobs. Here is the best bad advice I have for them (and myself.)

Step 1. Write your resume

Your resume is the most critical element of your job hunt. It will be your first impression to your future employer, so you want to make a splash.

It will take a while to write because there's not much to say about yourself, but open your favorite text editor and get started. Write about how great you are, and Microsoft Word will take care of the rest.

A couple tips to keep you on the right track:

  • Only use Arial or Calibri. Any deviation from these two fonts would damage your image in a potential employer's eyes and would come across as unprofessional.
  • Focus on yourself. Don't get fancy and start talking about what value you provide or how you're a fit for the company you're applying to. Those are irrelevant facts in light of your brilliance.
  • Add a personal touch by listing details about your private life, such as how many sexual partners you've had.
  • Emphasize your GPA. This is *the* most important factor in getting a job. No company on the planet will hire you if you have anything less than a 4.0, so hopefully, you did well in school. (The GPA is the only piece you can put in a different font. I recommend making it all-caps, and putting it in green, so it stands out.)


Step 2. Send your resume

Since your resume is perfect now, it's time to get the word out that you're looking for a job.

I recommend giving your resume to the nearest drug dealer. He (or she; the game doesn't discriminate) will have many connections and may know some high people in high places.

A word on referrals—Other than your drug dealer, you probably don't know anyone who can help you get a job, so don't bother asking. Besides, that's a lot of effort when all you have to do is click *Apply with LinkedIn* four hundred times to get an interview.

Step 3. Ace the interview

You're an interesting person, so you'll interview well. Talk about yourself for as long as possible—you only have so much time to prove how amazing (and narcissistic) you are.

Be careful about bringing too much personality to the table. If you do, you will appear unprofessional and, thus, unfit for whatever job you're applying for. Everyone has character, but not everyone has volunteered at the local dog shelter. Emphasize those things that make you unique.

Depending on what position you interview for, they might ask you some questions like:

  • Why do you want to work here?
  • What value can you bring to our organization?
  • How will you grow and develop in your position?

I advise you to divert the conversation back to your extensive work experience and volunteerism. If you talk enough, your interviewer will forget they asked you a question in the first place.

Step 5. Your first day

When you get to work on your first day, make sure you are domineering and aggressive toward your new coworkers. It is the only way you can display your dominance over the group and establish your status as the alpha.

Make sure you educate everyone on who you are. For example, if you have children, grandchildren, a dog, a girlfriend/boyfriend, or a Chia pet, make sure that everyone in the workplace knows about them. This is a great way to develop relationships because your new friends will be eternally thankful for your magnetic presence.

You might also utilize the Ben Franklin effect to win favor among your peers. By asking them to do you a small favor, they'll be more fond of you. You might take advantage of this psychological exploit by asking a coworker for their stapler or help with the printer.

However, you could also do it by asking your coworkers to do you a much bigger favor, such as borrowing their car. If they don't trust you yet, they'll have to after this experience. It's important to do this long before you know them very well because it will amplify the effect.

Some closing words—now that you're making $200k/year, don't forget where you came from. Pass along the knowledge by volunteering at jobless shelters around the country—there are hundreds of thousands of students with debt and ambition who need help figuring their lives out.

And some real advice, if you needed it:

  • Be yourself
  • Put yourself out there
  • Present value
  • Work hard

PS—If you have any real advice on job hunting, I'd love to hear it. Maybe I'll compile a list of real things that could help young people coming out of school find (and get) awesome jobs.