A real privacy policy:

Check out this 40,000 word privacy policy I wrote:

  • I won't use your information to spam you.
  • I won't sell your information.
  • I won't even collect your information unless you tell me to. In which case, I'm just taking orders.
  • If someone asks for your phone number or email, I'm going to point in the other direction and say, "Look, in the sky!" and then run away. 
  • If someone asks who you are, I'll tell them I've never heard of you. Just in case you did anything bad. No luck here, cops!