On being down and disappointing
On being down So, what? You lost a game of chess or missed a shot in pool. Why does that have to destroy your sense of self? Perhaps you are tired and more volatile in the face of your failures. Your actions are not the way of an equanimous man. Remember all that you know. For one, the obstacle is the way. When you fail, you have reached a point of growth and you should cherish it and take advantage of it. Second, ego is the enemy. If you are disappointed in your blunders because they destroy your sense of self, it is because you value who you think you are too much. Your pride is easily destroyed and cannot be your primary driving force. Third, equanimity. You cannot indulge in every rise and fall that occurs because you will not experience any consistent peace. Control these impulses and you will live a more steady life.
On disappointing Who do you disappoint when you fail? Is it your God, who you believe has placed you on this planet to be industrious and productive? Maybe he has, but it doesn't seem like you are grieving at every second that you're not "at work." There's no addiction to it, from what I can tell. Is it your parents? Friends? Those who love you and hate you? I don't see you value their opinions in the slightest on every other matter, so even if you are disappointing them, that should not affect you. One possible explanation I want you to ponder is pride. When you lose a game, it's as if your ego has been damaged and your existence blemished by yet another failure. You seem to view nearly every mishap in this light—that somehow, your story is not as glorious as it might otherwise be. Not as triumphant. Even in your search for work and purpose, you are frustrated because you don't live up to the legends of Jobs, Chanel, Fischer, O'Sullivan, Da Vinci, or anyone close to them. But how misplaced is your focus that you want to write your story based on these people you so admire? How intentional can you be about your life path before it becomes narcissistic and detrimental to your existence? You disappoint nobody but yourself. To hell with the idea that you are destined for anything—greatness or doom. You trying to predict where you will end up is futile. You have your work today and today only. What else is there to worry about? Be more like the flowers who toil not than the two kings with their hearts bent at evil—for if you are more like the latter it will be to no avail.